| Maybe then you'll see my changes and how you were lucky to have me. i've been reading Captivating: Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge. it's amazing. go read it. basically every woman should read it. i started paying attention to it's meaning too late. here's a passage my mom told me to read last night. Cultivating Beauty Every woman possesses a captivating beauty. Every woman. But for most of us it has been a long buried,
wounded, and captive. It takes time for it to emerge into wholeness. It needs to be cultivated, restored, set free.
How do we cultivate beauty? How do we become even more beautiful? By tending to our hearts with great care, as a master gardener tends her work.
My mother's sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I have neglected. (Songs of Songs 1:6)
Yes, life is harsh on a woman's heart. It has been hard on your heart. The assault on our beauty is
real. But Jesus is urging us now to care for ourselves; watch over our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) The world needs
your beauty. That is why you are here. Your heart and your beauty are something to be treasured and nourished.
And it takes time. Every gardener knows this. In our age of instant makeovers and microwave meals, we don't like to wait. But a newly rose's presentation in its first year is nothing compared to its second. If properly cared for, its
second year's display doesn't hold a candle to its third. Gardens need to become established; their roots need to
go deep through summer rains and winter frosts. A garden's beauty does not diminish with age; rather it takes
years for it to become all that it can become.
Our hearts need to be feed on beauty to sustain them. We need times of solitude and silence. We need times
of refreshment and laughter and rest. We need to listen to the voice of God in our hearts as he tells us what we
need. Sometimes it will be a bubble bath. Sometimes it is going for a run or a movie or a nap. Often, Jesus will call us away to spend precious time alone with him. We grow in our intimacy with Jesus as we practice listening to his
urging, his nudges within. Pay attention to them and follow. The Holy Spirit is our guide, our counselor, our
comforter, our great friend, and he will lead us. Abiding in Christ means paying attention to the voice of God
within, nourishing our own hearts and nourishing our relationship with him. Over time.
Contrary to what the world claims, beauty does not diminish with time; beauty deepens and increases. As with
June, gorgeous at seventy-five, we find that our latter glory will be greater than our former (Hag 2:9). True beauty
comes from a depth of soul than can only be attained through living many years well. June was seventy-five and
captivating.
It is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in a dangerous world. Without striving. Her
heart was very much alive. Present. Open. Alluring. She had lived years in the presence of God, with the gaze of
her heart fixed on Him. As we gaze on Jesus, as we behold his goodness, his glory, we are changed into his
likeness, the most beautiful Person of all.
They looked to him and were radiant. (Psalms 34:5)
We have all heard it said that a woman’s is most beautiful when
she is loved. It's true. You've seen it yourself. When a woman knows that she is loved and loved deeply, she glows from the inside. This
radiance stems from a heart that has had its deepest questions answered. "Am I lovely? Am I worth fighting
for? Have I been and will I continue to be romanced?" When these questions are
answered, Yes, a restful, quiet spirit settles in a woman's heart.
And every woman can have these questions answered, Yes. You have been and you will continue to be
romanced all your life. Yes. Our God finds you lovely. Jesus has moved heaven and earth to win you for himself.
He will not rest until you are completely His. The King is enthralled by your beauty. He finds you captivating.
Beauty is a quality of the soul that expresses itself in the visible world. You can see it. You can touch it. You are drawn to it. Beauty illuminates. Its essence, says Thomas Aquinas, is its
"Luminosity." it is bound up with the immortal. Beauty flows from a heart that is alive. We have known women you might describe as "frumpy," who seemed to care nothing for their appearance. We have seen them become
women who possessed great beauty. We watched it grow in them as they discovered that they were deeply loved, as their hearts came alive in response to the Great Romancer. We are romanced. We are loved. When we are at
rest in that knowledge, we can offer our hearts to others and invite them to Life. Faith, Hope, and Love Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminize hearts.
It’s scary, for sure. That is why it is our greatest expression of faith; because we are going to have to trust
Jesus- really trust him. We’ll have to trust him that we have beauty, that what he has said of us is true. And we’ll
have to trust him when we are finally seen and enjoyed. That’s why unveiling our beauty is how we live by faith.
Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope that it will matter, that our beauty really
does make a difference. We hope there is a greater and higher Beauty, hope we are reflecting Beauty, and hope it
will triumph. Our hope is that all is well because of Jesus and that all will be well because of him. So we unveil
beauty in hope. And finally, we unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes we are not yet
what we long to be. But we are underway. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty is an expression of hope that it
will be completed.
And unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love Because it is what the world most needs from us.
When we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how
he loves. That is how we love- sincerely, as the Scripture says “from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22). Our focus shifts
from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer beauty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love." i think i never felt beautiful enough so i passively allowed myself to slowly quit being pursued. (that's another section in the book). but feeling and being beautiful through and through is the core. i needed to feel beautiful so i would continued to have been pursued with out having to say anything. rather i became a mother figure because i wasn't happy with myself. and i portrayed that of a woman not wanting to be pursued. in another section it talks about how woman need (and secretly) want to continually be pursued. but mostly they need it. it's just part of who we are, and i think i ignored that longing, and allowed it to be swept under the rug so no one else could see. and hence i became a mother figure. i have grown since the first of the three and a half years. you and i must admitt. i just became too motherly and pushed you away. for that i'm sorry. for growing into me, i'm not. i think we were raised alot differently also. i'm very bible abiding. you're conscience abiding. i think i allowed my own thoughts to count as my conscience telling me something was wrong by way of the bible and became too motherly. again i feel, as i look back, that it all has to do with not feeling beautiful. if i had one more chance i swear it'd be the best thing. but as it is i will remain broken until i feel again. which i feel will never be because i do not feel beautiful at the moment. "it has been a long buried, wounded, and captive" in those three years. i tried to protect myself too much and in doing so only hurt myself more. protecting myself (a.k.a. becoming motherly) caused me to push you away. and that hurts the most. i thought about this all of last night. i only got an hour of sleep.i just couldn't quit thinking and writing all my realizations down. i just hope this helps you know that i understand, and that i am sorry, for all my actions. i feel like last night i just blacked out and did w/e. i won't ask for another chance because you don't want me to guilt trip you, but isn't that feeling more like you should because it's meant to be? but i won't push into that. i'm just sorry more. that's all. and i do want to be friends if you still do also. |
that's just how i roll.
